Jan 10, 2013

Dedicated to Sleep....

I have finally grown in my ability to stay the course as I strive to got to bed and rise in the morning at a decent hour... 

It all became possible somewhere at the end of an annoying cold, where I was sleeping a lot during the day and struggling to sleep normal hours at night... eventually it all evened out and I was ready for bed one night at about 9pm. For a couple days of this I could only sleep 4 or 5 hours at a time and would spend the rest of the morning on the computer distracting myself until attempting to nap before Sarah got up. It shocked me more than anyone else when I actually went to bed when Steve & Sarah did and was up out of bed before Steve the next morning (he gets up at 6am, I was up at 5am). 

I enjoyed the time that I had to myself as I planned my day (on Ann Voskamp's free daily planner I found online on her blog - see my first post to find this resource). It was also nice to have that time to check up on my Facebook, email, & watch an episode or 2 of Alias or better yet, watch an online bible study or actually crack open my bible at all while I waited for Sarah to wake up later that morning (she sleeps 12 hours a night, so generally she gets up around 9am).

Once Sarah was up, it was confirmed how important this time to myself in the morning really was... I was fully wide awake when I heard her on the monitor - I somehow had the energy to prepare an actual breakfast for us that she could help prepare as she sat on the counter eating her Juice Plus+ gummies joyfully... I also noticed how fully my attention was on her, no more of this lying on the couch like a zombie as she was forced to entertain herself because mommy could hardly keep her eyes open, let alone interact and play with her precious baby girl... there were days when Sarah would literally crawl up next to me and say 'mommy... up...' She couldn't understand why her mommy couldn't play with her, why she was depressed, why she was spiritually empty, why she stopped taking her hypothyroid medicine & supplements, why she would never drink water - only caffeine & sugar... (can you see that I was getting to a place of desperation?). It was as if I was literally spiraling the drain... losing myself. 

I was, and still am, in love with the new me! As i'm reaching the end of my first week with this glorious change. I love feeling wide awake throughout the day for the first time in a VERY long time... but in order to allow this change a fighting chance, I decided I had to bring even more structure into my life. I used to shudder when faced with words like rules, responsibility, ambition, or even energy because of how horrible I felt on a daily basis - it was as if I was drowning and there was no way to save me. I don't know how simply planning my days brought such excitement & motivation, but it has been working so far. My new sleep, wake, & nap rules are:
  1. I have to treat this as if I am a recovering alcoholic (I am in fact a recovering insomniac) and must not allow myself an inch in terms of bedtimes, wake times, and naps. 
  2. I can not stay up later than Steve. Once he's in bed there's nobody to keep me accountable.
  3. I must be IN bed ready to sleep by 10pm... and up in the morning before Steve leaves for work.
  4. NO NAPS because then I won't be able to get to sleep on time that night and will start the crazy-cycle all over again.
  5. Can't take a weekend or vacation from the rules - have to abstain from slip-ups until this is 2nd nature.
On my daily planner there is a place that lists... a bunch of lists :) A place for a memory verse, silhouettes of jugs to cross off as I drink each glass of water throughout the day, a menu planner, a reminder to excercise, and then a way to sort out & prioritize what needs to get done, what should get done, and what can wait until tomorrow. My kitchen has been spotless the past 3 or 4 days, I eat breakfast & snuggle with Sarah every morning as we watch cartoons, we eat every 3 hours, we do crafts/color/explore new things together, I have time to myself, I consider God's word & what it truly means to me... These things are so important!

My genuine hope & fervent prayer is that I will only improve in this effort & not fall back & become that person I never wanted to be... I want to be fully present... awake... alive. I want to be all God created me to be as a wife, mother, friend, & follower of Christ.


(artwork by: Emile Munier)

"Lord I ask that you would help us to lean on You for the strength to be all You created us to be, amen."





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